If I’m Being Honest

It’s been 5 months and 10 days since I last blogged. It’s been so long I didn’t even remember my password when I logged in. That’s sad, folks. Just sad. Believe me when I say that I have not intentionally been avoiding blogging. Many days, it’s been that nagging voice at the back of my brain, begging me to write; a voice that I have had to ignore out of necessity, not desire. But I’m blogging today. And today, it’s time to get honest.

If I’m being honest, this semester has been nothing short of crazy. I took 23 hours, which is 1.) insane and 2.) not a wise decision if you wish to do anything else but schoolwork. The benefit to this is that I only have one more semester of this madness and then I graduate! And if I’m being honest, my hectic schedule has often been disallowing when it comes to creativity. Although I am constantly planning worship sets or playing music or recording or piecing together ideas for upcoming events, there have been days, weeks even, that I’ve felt completely uncreative. I realized the other day that I rarely play music just to play anymore. And it’s been ages since I wrote a full song. If I’m being honest, this fact has become not only a great frustration, but also a great injury to me as an artist. There are days when I’ve felt utterly defeated because I can’t seem to keep my artist spirit alive, most often because I’m obligated to do so many other things.

And what about the days when I felt like I just had nothing to say? If I’m being honest, these have been a common occurrence over the past several months as well. I am wrestling with the deep passions I know have been placed within me and the opportunities I know I must fulfill. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am more than blessed to be able to get an education. I know I am more than blessed to have an excellent (and flexible) job, working with tremendous people who allow me to be gone with SpiritWing two Sundays a month. I know I am more than blessed to  travel with a group of people that have become like family to me.  And more than all this, I am not so naive to that when I graduate, all my obligations will simply disappear. If anything, the older I get, the more obligations I will probably obtain. And I’m okay with that, excited even. I guess I’m just afraid of losing sight of the things I love and know I’ve been called to. I think I’m just afraid that in all the craziness each day brings, I’ll slowly begin to divert my attention to things of duty rather than desire.

At the same time, if I’m being honest, I know this is most likely not going to be the case. I know that if God has called me to something, He will continue to place dreams in my heart, never allowing me to wander too far off without feeling Him drawing me back again. If I’m being honest, I only pray that I am not one who makes excuses on account of my obligations or grows so busy that I neglect the things I wrote about in my last blog post (if you can even think back that far!). “Today, I pray I will be one who is restless for the lost and reckless for the Lord. I pray that God will stir  creativity and vision within me” I know that “the one who calls you is faithful and he will do it” (1 Thessalonians 5:24).

In fact, if I’m being honest, I have seen his faithfulness displayed so clearly over the past year.

  • As mentioned before, I have been given the opportunity to graduate early. What a blessing for the girl who didn’t even want to go to college in the first place!
  • I have been given the opportunity to travel week after week with a  group of tremendous musicians. Four months ago, most of us were strangers, but today, they are my friends, my support system, my family. I cherish our times together and look forward to how our lives will all be intertwined in the future.
  • I have been given a great job at a church who truly loves the Lord and seeks His will above all things. What a blessing it has been to walk through the past several months with them, especially during this time of transition. I have grown so much as both a believer and a leader. I believe God is daily equipping me for His plans on account of my experience at Fellowship.
  • I have a wonderful family who continues to encourage me, even when most of my approaches to things are a bit unconventional. I have a mom who is my best friend, a dad who is always looking out for me, and a little sister who is turning out to be a pretty cool kid. Not to mention grandparents who would give me the world, if they could. My family is crazy — there’s no denying that — but I love them and do not take for granted that they continue to love me. 🙂
  • I have fantastic friends. In no particular order: Andrea, Katie, Amanda, Tarah, Kayla, Danielle, Liz, Kirstin, Alex, Harry, Nathaniel, Jonathan, Taylor, Kevin, all the other wingers, and many more….Thanks for letting me ramble about silly things. Thanks for dreaming with me, and walking alongside me in all things. I am blessed to have you in my life.
  • I have fallen in love with an amazing man of God. He loves me like Christ loves the Church. He is faithful and patient, never walking away when I’m stubborn or difficult. He is a phenomenal musician. He hears things I don’t, thinks of things I don’t, plays things I can’t. I love that He pushes me to be more creative, more original, or just more me. He’s not scared of my family. In fact, he loves them. The other day, he even said he missed them! (On the flip side, I think his family is just awesome! What a joy to be welcomed in with open and excited hearts!) And he’s not scared of all my quirks. He’s okay with my picky eating, thinks it’s cute that I’m afraid of vacuum cleaners, and puts up with my weird cat-lady tendencies, even though he’s allergic. But mostly, I am daily amazed by his heart for Christ and for the Church. He will work 22 hour days, believing that what he’s doing will have Kingdom impact. He has a heart for the lost, the broken, the unlovable, and he seeks to find ways to serve them. He pushes me to pursue Christ in new ways, to love others like Jesus did, and to serve, even when it’s hard. If I’m being honest, I am totally taken by this boy. 🙂
  • And to all of you, my readers, thanks for being patient during my sabbatical. I hope to be much better about this in the future. No promises, but I’m sure gonna try. Thanks for letting me vent, thanks for letting me ramble, and today, thanks for letting me be honest.
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~ by Brittany Howard on December 11, 2009.

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